![]() ![]() Important people get to have a lot of fun in DC. This isn’t to say you can’t have fun with these people - it’s just that, in order to have fun, you may need to lie about every element of your existence. ![]() work in the service industry / just got out of the Peace Corps and are looking for world-changing jobs at nonprofits), prepare for your new friend to give you two minutes of polite nods, followed by an excuse to replenish their appetizer plate over at the buffet where Harry Reid’s Communications Director is standing. If you don’t do anything “important” (a.k.a. ![]() Who do you know? Who do you work for? Can I gain professionally from knowing you, or, in a pinch, can I take you into that broom closet and fuck you? No? Okay, who do you work for? They are interested in what you can do for them, and they are interested in your access to power. Virtually everyone you meet in DC will lament the fact that, when you meet someone new, they will ask you what you do for a living before they ask you any more intimate details about yourself, like, “Where are you from?” or “What is your opinion on the cancellation of Legends of the Hidden Temple?” Because no one is actually interested in you in DC. There are some rules and quirks to partying in DC, though, that you should know before you go out in the Capital of the Most Powerful Nation on Earth. (The reasons being that brownies are delicious enough already, and, on principle, I never snort anything that’s been smuggled into the country in a condom up a drug mule’s asshole. In terms of alcohol abuse, we’re the worst in the country, with 8.1% of our population over the age of 26 considered alcohol dependent, and we also rank high in marijuana and cocaine abuse, though I have less experience in both of those categories. Who the other 79.9% are, I don’t know, because I’ve never met a single one of them. We are the ninth drunkest city in the country, with our residents drinking 15.6 alcoholic beverages per month on average, and with 20.1% of our adult population being classified as binge drinkers. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the gears of democracy in Washington, DC, are lubricated with alcohol. Christ, can you imagine trying to run this country sober? It boggles the mind. Certainly not at five o’clock on a Monday. Residents of the Capital of the Most Powerful Nation on Earth - as Americans call it when they’re trying to flex nuts - do not feel any hesitation towards drinking at any specific time of the day. I knew instantly, of course, that he did not live in DC. I thought, It’s five o’clock here, you fucking chode. ![]()
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